Happy Birthday, Kaspar Hauser

Happy Birthday, Kaspar Hauser
There you stand,A monkey in culottes.
You foraged for fruit in the Black Forest
And shat in the brush
Ere we discovered you
A year ago today.

See the cheerful faces of the neighborhood children
and those of us from the university research facility
Who have come to celebrate the glorious day of your discovery -your deliverance from savage obscurity!
Remark how our eyes glow and our smiles beam
In birthday candlelight!
No, no Kaspar, you mustn't bite your party guests!
Mind that you use the fork!
Kaspar, dear boy, remove your penis from the table.You frighten the children.

There there.
It's so lovely when you're calm.
Let us raise our glasses to this little wonder
And toast to his approximately sixteen years of life(So far as we can glean from dental X-rays)We celebrate your progress
And pray that you soon acquire speech.
Little Kaspar.
Who would know that you, our rosebud in blue stockings,
This picture of Lutheran sweetness
Was weaned from the teat of a marmot?
Lo these two years since you came to us
You have become our wee man-child.(Please do not mount my leg while I'm speaking, Kaspar.)
Let us thank a power greater than ourselves
And the miracles of modern science!
For you, our feral boy, our marmot-man,
Are born anew in the chaste waters of Christendom.
The Almighty has brought you from the wilderness
And to the forest shall you never return.