The Scab Eater

So, for a while now, I've been taking responsibility for all manner of other people's problems. Maybe "taking" is the wrong word. People have been very generous to me, gifting me with one onus to shoulder after another. I appreciate these gifts, but I'm also a practical gal. I've got mouths to feed. So I'm going to start charging. Think of the service as selling Indulgences but probably a lot more economical. I'll take just about anything. Does male pattern baldness run in your family? I'll take it. Is your teenager alienated and distant? I'll take that, too. Awww, does your girlfriend think you're an insensitive asshole? Probably my fault. What's that you say, your cousin Ricky is incontinent and you can't figure out why because there's no history of this in your family? Gimme. I can't get enough of it, and I'm embarrassed with a wealth, so why shouldn't I turn a profit? To that end, I've made up a preliminary price list:
Sibling Rivalry: $.50 per incident
Traumatic Breakups: One-time flat rate of $20, or buy a year's subscription for $75 (if you're a real emo loser, this is definitely the better deal.)
Adolescent Malaise: Due to the chronic nature of this blame-generator, the cost is a flat $500 (if your kid is a total emo loser, this will cost far less than your weekly therapy encounters, and will make you feel way better.)
Newfound Awareness of Alternative Sexuality: $Market Price
The Peace of Mind That Comes From Knowing Nothing is Your Fault: Priceless