An Ideal World

In my ideal world, all newborn boys would be named "Waylon." Newborn girls would be called, "Marfa."
In my ideal world, David Lee Roth and Tom Jones would record an album of duets entitled, "These Pants Ain't Too Tight for Two."
In my ideal world, the national bird of the United States would not be the Eagle. In fact, there would be no national bird. It would be a dog, and it would be a Lhasa Apso.
In my ideal world, a person's voter registration would be revoked upon a third purchase from the Home Shopping Network.
In my ideal world, emails would not suffice as Thank-You notes.
In my ideal world, individuals would be required to submit Letters of Intent to the National Science Foundation, The National Endowment for the Arts, and The ASPCA before receiving approval to reproduce. This requirement would be limited to humans.
In my ideal world, cats would finally be acknowledged as the original purveyors of ancient knowledge.
In my ideal world, Simon Cowel would not be nationally regarded as a member of the intelligentsia.